We’re in the 21st century. And guess what? Men still don’t earn enough to buy a bed for themselves. I’m not calling out all men here. Of course not! Some are capable enough to buy an entire house or maybe even a luxury car. But some, and this comes as no surprise, would rather stay bedless than buy one for themselves.
Sad reality, right? What I’m going to talk about today won’t be very sad for you though. Because you’ve seen this in your neighborhood, heard about it from friends and relatives, and witnessed it at home. If you haven’t guessed it already, I’d write it down for you in plain, simple words: the ritual of selling daughters, aka, “dowry”. It goes by many names: gifts, love from parents and relatives, tradition, culture, karna padta hai, etc. And I’ve seen most families do this with smiles and laughter on their faces, despite the fact that this burden burns holes in their pockets the effect of which lasts longer than they’d initially calculated.
Now it shouldn’t come as a shock when I say most parents do it out of love for their daughter. Of course, they do, right? They want to help establish her life in a new place and that should be okay. Ideally, maybe. But the truth lies far from what looks ideal. It’s deceptive, unreal, imaginary and what is deemed to be love, should instead be called malice.
The love they shower their daughter with, in the name of gifts or dowry, turns into a snake that bites her every day of her life for the many, many years to come. It haunts her dreams, ambitions and scars her, leaving an unrelenting mark that tarnishes her image, her life. The life that she fought for, with her friends, family, relatives and then at school, college and later in office, suddenly vaporizes in thin air. Her struggles in different phases of her life, as a kid, as a student, as a corporate employee, or even a leader, go in vain. The many degrees in her belt, the awards, certificates and accomplishments she received in the course of her career, hidden behind her dowry in the almirah, dull their shine.
I’m not even talking about the other family here, the one accepting gifts. They’re much worse, never failing to ask for more. “Oh, so you’re gifting a bike? What about a car? Um, and you know what? We have this tradition of gifting furniture as well. That HAS to come from the girl’s family.” These are fragments of actual, real conversations. None of this is made up.
Why do parents do this to their daughters they seem to care about so much? The one little kid they loved and cherished, who grew up to be a strong woman, working hard to find a place for herself, never giving up on her dreams even after falling a hundred and one times, loses her confidence when she gets sold to a man and his family that claims to keep her like their own. If all they care about is getting their daughter married, they shouldn’t educate her or teach her to be independent. They anyway are treating her like a tangible object!
Sometimes I can’t even fathom the kind of people I’m living amongst. On the outside, they’re all feminists, standing with the truth and talking about the rights and wrongs of the world. But when they really have to take a stand for themselves, none of this matters anymore. They’d rather sell their soul than go against the norms.
I know you can’t fight a battle alone. Everybody looks for support and needs somebody to back them up when the time comes. But if you don’t stand up for yourself, nobody else will. And I’m telling you this with all honesty when push comes to shove, these parents who are ready to sell their daughters in the only desire of getting her married to a well-off man, will NOT stand beside you. They will NOT fight for you or for your rights. You’d instead be left alone to fight your battles, asked to compromise in situations you’d rather run away from.
So, what should you do? I’ll tell you what I do and what I’ll keep doing till I’m sane enough to fight my battles. I’m going to stand against the so-called-ritual of dowry. I’m going to call it out, not once or twice or a hundred times, but as many times as required. I’m going to fight against the norms, the traditions, and speak against people giving or receiving dowry. They’re both WRONG. And they’ll remain in the red until we stop hearing men and their families talking about beds with their wives and daughters-in-law.
We’re living in the 21st century. And guess what? It’s beyond time to stand up for yourself and speak against a ritual that has been scarring women and their identities for generations.
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