He came up to me and said, "I cannot marry you, Alyra."
Recognizing a familiar voice behind my back, I turned to look at him, straight into his eyes. I had guessed it right, it was his voice.
As I tried to look for a hint of mischief and a hidden smile beneath his perfectly serious face, I realised that he wasn't lying. My expression did not change.
Instead, I noticed a change in his appearance. His eyes had turned numb, as if they had just been drained of all the left over emotions he'd once had. His cheeks were no longer red, but seemed to droop with a pinch of nervousness and anxiety taking toll over his soft skin. The calm aura around him had vanished in thin air.
Was I imagining all of this or had this been there long back too, but I'd been ignorant enough to not notice these signs?
I was left stunned and speechless. Unable to utter a single word and perhaps, without any sign of my inner trauma, I stood still, as if I'd just been asked to stand like a statue.
"I am not joking, Alyra. I am serious", he said, this time with a hint of distress in his tone, the pitch of which was a bit higher than before.
"I'm listening", I managed to speak, with my heart unable to stand together for another minute, and with every bit of my tissue breaking apart into a million pieces.
"Five years is a really long time. I know it must be very heartbreaking for you and you might take several days or even months to come out of this trauma, but trust me, this is for the best. My mother likes another girl and wants me to marry her. I cannot deny. I did not have the courage to talk about us and so, I didn't. She'll never agree for an inter-caste marriage. I'm sorry, Alyra".
"Thank you. Thank you so much", I smiled and replied, with all my shattered pieces pinching the inner walls of my heart, with the slightest curve that my lips could to manage.
I looked away for a second and then realised that he wasn't even worth being replied to. I turned my back towards him in the very next instant and said, "And here, we part ways Mr. Ankush Awasthi. I do not wish to see you ever again. Moreover, I'd like you to leave my place immediately to never return in future, for any reason whatsoever."
Amazed at my ever so stable voice, he left without another word.
I do not remember much about what happened next. But in the next one hour, I was fast asleep beside my bed with a broken glass in my hand, my palm bleeding, staining the marble floor red.
"What was my fault?" I questioned myself several times. And soon after, a smirk lighted up my face. It wasn't one of those smiles which you'd often get to see; it was something entirely different.
As my lips curled up to reveal my teeth and my smile reached the very end of my ears, I laughed. I laughed my heart out. I laughed till I started crying. I laughed till everyone at my place came rushing up to me, questioning the reasons behind such strange behaviour. I laughed and laughed and laughed till I lost my strength to laugh anymore.
And as the world came down crashing on me with all my messed up life giving way to more and more problems piling up, every minute, I decided to shut the world out. Maybe, that is the only thing I'm good at. And why wouldn't that be? Did I not shut my family out during the time I was with him? But why would all of that matter now? I was shattered, broken.
The walls around me seemed to fall apart. My skin wanted to burn itself to remove his finger prints. My face wanted to rub that makeup off, that was always put on to please him. My eyes wanted sleep, to rest and dream of another fantasy world which would break me up again, the very next morning.
But I managed to move past it all. I gathered my left over pieces, locked them in my heart and promised myself to never shed a tear again for that one person who didn't value me enough.
***
I saw you again, today. Clad in a beautiful black saree, you looked stunning as you entered Starbucks. I couldn’t take my eyes off your face for it reflected that charm and complacence which had never been there before.
Your perfectly outlined eye-liner and your newly pierced nose with a golden ring on it, added to your beauty. I had almost started staring at you when a sudden realisation dawned upon me and I had to turn my gaze away. You had come with your husband.
It was then that some chord within me struck hard. Two long years had passed since the time I had urged you to break up with me. You must have, or in that case, should have, moved on, by now. And, why not? Was I not the one who had left you all alone when it was almost time for the two of us to get married?
As you walked up to a nearby table with your fingers entwined in his, I stumbled to get stable and in that process, almost fell off my table. How will I ever be able to face you after everything I had done?
You sat next to him. After a while, he whispered something in your ear which made you blush and you smiled. With an air of elegance, you then ordered two cups of cappuccino. I observed your face as some more time passed. The serenity on your face and a strange rejuvenating stillness had replaced the chirpy little girl of yours, one which had resided deep within you, long back. You looked a lot mature than what you had been before.
And then it happened. A flicker of second passed and your eyes rested upon me. I seemed to have locked you in my gaze for a moment. Your eyes were blank and didn’t even seem to acknowledge my presence. They were still and blank.
I expected some questions from you which might have made me look away. But your eyes didn’t even have accusations. You were as calm as the silent water of a sea, with no regrets and no complains. And then you looked away relieving me of the stress and dilemma I was in.
I had never been able to forgive myself for what I had done to you. Lost in my thoughts, I recalled how I couldn’t manage to marry anybody else nor could walk up to your door step in order to get you back. I did not have that audacity to confront you again after whatever I had said the other day.
I did not marry, or for that matter, I could not marry. I couldn’t have ruined another girl’s life when I was already in love with someone else, you.
I saw you walk out of the café then. You had turned to see me again and this time there was a smile on your face. It did not reflect pride and did not boast of anything. It was as friendly as it could possibly have been. I smiled back. And as you headed towards the exit and left the café with your fingers still entwined in his, I cried.
I cried until my eyes couldn’t shed any more tears. I cried until the sun couldn’t see it more and dived deep down into the sky, tarnishing the golden brown sky into dark black. I cried until the café could no longer hold its gates open and I had to move out like a diminished soul, quivering for breath.
Something within me had broken. I could not comprehend what it was, but something had. And the pieces of that broken article were so sharp that every bit of it hit hard against my shivering body. The pain was unbearable and the solution was far from my imagination.
I was diving into a pool of blood without anyone forcing me into it. It was as if I had dug a huge hole for myself with no other place left to reside in.
I was about to bear the consequences of my decision for another infinity. Did I have any other choice?
Kommentarer